…a letter

June 30, 2008 at 5:26 pm 15 comments

April 10, 2008

Habibi John,

Still today I imagine giving you this letter on our wedding day, explaining to you that I once wrote it in a hospital room on the other side of the sea from you. I wrote it because I wanted to record at some point what you mean to me. But, I think I know today under which more likely circumstances you may read this letter. And just the thought that your fingers where mine are right now makes my heart skip a beat…

…If I am anything of yours still – I hope I am not your hurt or pain. I hope you can find me in your smile, your laugh, your love. I hope you will share yourself more with others, because you are a gift. The best gift I was ever given.
Without a doubt I have survived because of you. I’d like to think that will be the case forever.
You are my life, my love, my soul…

Love you Always,



and I cry…torn raw once again, as if this world has not had enough of my tears and pain.

Entry filed under: 3442.

A Letter 구지혜어머님께…

15 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Margie  |  June 30, 2008 at 5:52 pm

    Oh, she loved you, John, she loved you so, so much. To receive and read this now – so hard. I’m crying, too – for you, and for Julia.

  • 2. Sara_2  |  June 30, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    A beautiful letter from a beautiful soul. We are crying with you.

  • 3. Rebecca  |  June 30, 2008 at 10:35 pm

    Oh Julia. Your words are, as ever, so poignant. So powerful. So poetic.

    John, I can’t imagine your sorrow – so freshly renewed. This is such a beautiful and meaningful letter. I hope in time it carries more comfort than sadness for you.

  • 4. Sooka  |  June 30, 2008 at 11:50 pm

    She is really beaufiful person =).. John,,,
    Her heart with you forever… I also miss her very much…

  • 5. Sara  |  July 1, 2008 at 8:06 am

    Beautiful Julia. Its how everyone describes her, inquires about her, and remembers her. Strange how even now I feel her pain of being pulled from you, John. Her words flow, even now, through me, tugging on every emotion I have. Teaching me, in her naturally soft and loving way.

    Julia… these past few days I’ve gone back. A month after we lost you. Back to our city, our university, our friends… and all of it will never, ever be the same without you. The world misses you. I miss you.

  • 6. Amy  |  July 1, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    Julia was absolutely beautiful, and her beauty lives on in her words and her love. John and all who loved her are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • 7. Waiting for Zufan!  |  July 1, 2008 at 9:46 pm

    You are so fortunate to have experienced the type of love that so many people only long for and dream of their whole life. What a great blessing, even in the sorrow.

    I just read something and thought of you, that those who suffer most are, eventually, the most enlightened and the wisest; that after you are smelted, you come out gold.

  • 8. Jane  |  July 1, 2008 at 10:31 pm

    Oh John (((((hugs)))))
    I am so sorry for your pain, for your loss. And I am happy that Julia left you this…to show how truly wonderful you were to her, how much she loved you

  • 9. Jen  |  July 2, 2008 at 9:21 am

    John, you are so lucky to have been a part of her life and love. I’m so sorry it’s so painful for you right now. At some point, I hope these words give you peace and hope and not pain and loss. She was an amazing woman and you are an amazing man.

  • 10. Jen  |  July 2, 2008 at 11:31 am

    John I agree with others who have posted here–she truly loved you. You were her world and she was yours. Thank you for opening up a bit into your world for the rest of us to see. Thank you for that gift…

  • 11. Lynn  |  July 3, 2008 at 6:18 pm

    Dear John,

    I just finished reading this blog. I started it knowing it would hurt in the end. I am sorry I never found it when Julia was alive, sorry I didn’t have a way

    to make the connection. As an adoptive parent now, although an atypical one having adopted a daughter already eighteen, I value what the experiences of

    adoptees can teach me in trying to be the best parent I can be to my daughter. Since what she shared here was pretty raw, that is the person I relate to –

    the pieces of her mind and heart that she put out here for the world.

    But now I am so very very sorry for you, for your loss.

    Almost 18 years ago I lost my partner, Sara, the person I loved most in the world, the woman who was next to my heart. In my case, there were no goodbyes –

    she was crushed under the wheels of a bus. She was 27 and I had just turned 30. We might seem very different from you and Julia but I recognize a similar

    bond. Both of us blind, strangers in our own biological families, we also shared that outsider exsperience, explored it together and learned and grew from

    each other.

    Sara didn’t have a chance to give me her wishes for my future, but it doesn’t matter. It is not for the person who left to tell us not to hurt. It is not a

    choice. In the best light, I would say that the pain of loss of a love is a testament to the power of being human, that we can love that much. At the time,

    there was only pain. As I write this today there is still pain – missing Sara. But the thing I can offer you, the thing people shared with me who had

    experienced similar losses, is that the way you feel now will not last. I don’t know what it is but the human body just can’t hurt that bad forever.

    Everyone’s experience is somewhat different. For me, there was a gradual enclosing of the pain so that there was room to continue to live and love and grow

    in the world. And the part of me that felt as a piece of my heart had been ripped and thrown on the floor and stomped on, that is still part of me but it

    doesn’t crowd out everything else. A year after her death I had a daily life that was pretty normal and OK most of the time. And sometimes after that it got

    harder to keep going before it got easier again. I offer you this because the people who shared their similar losses with me gave me something to hold onto.

    When I would hear Sara’s friends tell their stories of healing or whatever it was and I just felt complete devastation, it somehow helped to know I was not

    alone in how much I hurt and that there was a promise of something better. I can’t say that my memories of Sara are just warm and wonderful. As I said, when

    I think of her I still miss her terribly. But I do have room to be thankful for what we had and for her presence in my life and I know that that is where you

    will be someday. If it takes longer than the people who care about you think it should, just remember that they don’t know how hard it is and that you are

    just where you need to be.

  • 12. Sue  |  July 8, 2008 at 9:23 pm

    sad, sweet, beautiful

  • 13. heatherrainbow  |  July 11, 2008 at 11:17 pm

    wow. You are very lucky to have experienced such love, and a tragedy to have lost it. I am happy for you to have that experience, and sad that she is gone.

  • 14. Cynthia/hgpig  |  July 24, 2008 at 8:38 pm

    john, i’m just now catching up on the entries here, i’ve not dared to do so before. i know how much this letter touched you, how much it hurts and how much tender love it gives to you. what a lovely small present julie left for you, one among many in your time.

    what i wish for you is that some time, long from now, you will feel this kind of love again. you deserve it and julia would love that you would be able to love again.

    you know i know this painful loving sorrow. cyber soft shoulder. cynthia

  • 15. Susan  |  July 25, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    What pain and love intertwined. You were such a gift to each other.


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Julia’s Jam

It’s just not that black & white. Not because I am taking a stand against. Just because, the issues I face are somewhere in the grey area and to weed through them, I blog. I blog. ~

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