Someone to Spare

June 9, 2008 at 6:49 am 8 comments

Julia wrote this in her last week or so – on the back of a medical form during one of her more lucid moments. Cryptococcous meningitis was affecting her neurologically, but somehow, she found a moment where she was in a totally different place. I didn’t want to share it – keeping it for myself, but I know that’s not what it was meant for.

————————

Someone to Spare
.
It is so easy to hurt and be hurt by someone who is your breath, your life, and the rhythm to your soul. Equally, it is easy to go on unaware. With a deep inhale and a slow and steady exhale, I try to tune in with a level and balanced understanding. I reach across, without moving a muscle, and I feel around in the dark….
tap, tap, tap…
I recount backwards… ten, nine, eight…. remembering. Searching for any offense I may have given, both aware and unaware. I separate my jealousy and rage and I attempt to take a look as an outsider. If I can find it, maybe I can erase it.
The soul of my soul, the air in my breath, the force of my life.
Can I endure the pain of your suffering?
Can I cry your tears?
Shed your saddness?
Can I be heated for your rage?
Can I be the replacement for your loss?
Let me spare you.
.
Julia loves her Tofu.
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Entry filed under: Adoption, ALL, Me, Random Thoughts.

Eulogy 10:27AM

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. colleen  |  June 9, 2008 at 1:39 pm

    Thank you for sharing this. I will miss so much her posts, her thoughts and by extension her, even though I only knew her through this blog. Thank you for posting pictures of her. She was so beautiful on the outside but even moreso on the inside.

    Reply
  • 2. Margie  |  June 9, 2008 at 2:41 pm

    Oh, Julia.

    I think it must have been hard to share this, John. Thank you.

    Reply
  • 3. Roads  |  June 9, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    She wrote it for you – that much is clear, and these are precious words indeed.

    Wishing you all the best that can ever be wished at this difficult time. All sympathy, from London.

    Reply
  • 4. justenjoyhim  |  June 9, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    You are a generous soul, John. Thank you for sharing this.

    Julia, so beautiful in spirit. Always remembered, always missed.

    Reply
  • 5. Sue  |  June 10, 2008 at 10:57 pm

    Wow.

    I asked her once (a long time ago, a year or more maybe?) what was keeping her going and she said it was not wanting to hurt anyone by leaving. That never changed. Sometimes I feel bad about being sad because I don’t want her to feel bad about finally having to let go.

    Thank you John for keeping her blog and her Facebook page around to comfort us. I think she would be happy about that, even if we do have to cry.

    Reply
  • 6. cynthia  |  June 13, 2008 at 9:56 am

    John. soft cyber hugs to you in this time of grief. How wonderful to be able to read Julia’s words and hear her voice again, even though it is filled with her generous desire to spare others (esp you and rannan and her israeli family) more pain. I have to believe that she knew how much joy and she has brought to all of us who knew her in person and on line. If I could tell her now, I would, don’t worry about our pain, it is tempered by having you as a friend. I will miss her e-friendship and treasure being able to savour her words again and again. Thank you for sharing this. Cynthia

    Reply
  • 7. Coco  |  June 17, 2008 at 11:38 am

    Thinking of you, John.

    Reply
  • 8. One Love.  |  June 30, 2008 at 4:15 am

    She really loved you.

    Reply

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Julia’s Jam

It’s just not that black & white. Not because I am taking a stand against. Just because, the issues I face are somewhere in the grey area and to weed through them, I blog. I blog. ~

Glimpse of Julia

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