Something remains

March 10, 2008 at 11:10 pm 12 comments

Tears can’t be pushed back and pain can’t be tucked away. I thought it would fade away slowly, if I just had patience. And yes, I could wait forever… because relief would feel so sweet. Day by day I chant to myself, trying to convince my soul with my most persuasive abilities, that this pain cant last forever. Hang on, Julia. Hold out. A little longer.

Waiting won’t help. I have learned to be so patient. Relief stands in my view, it’s smug face directed towards me, just out of reach. Like an owner teases his puppy with the bone so desired. And I reach a little more, and a little more each time…. forever hopeful that maybe I will luck out .

I can never rely on my luck. (Neither, apparently, can I a mother.)

So I brace for something more severe. I’d rather take another bone biopsy. I’d rather install another central line, another j-tube, another intubation, anything and all of it together at once… but there is no substitution, no bargaining, no deals to be made.

Just me and my old friend, heartbreak. Yes, heartbreak, remains. And at least, in loneliness’ shadow, at least something remains. Here with me.

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Entry filed under: Me.

Looking East Shout Out 2 My Peeps

12 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lovein2languages  |  March 11, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    hang in there…. i tried to look for some words of comfort, but i guess there’s not much i can say. i wish you all the best, though.

    Reply
  • 2. clbodden  |  March 11, 2008 at 6:58 pm

    I’m sorry for your struggles. I wish there were better words.

    Reply
  • 3. justenjoyhim  |  March 11, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    I’m very sorry for your heartbreak. 😦

    Reply
  • 4. briko158  |  March 12, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    I’m always here Jules. Whatever the detail, I’ll always remain

    Reply
  • 5. mamagigi  |  March 13, 2008 at 5:58 pm

    Julia,
    I’m sorry you’re struggling — I am thinking of you.
    Gretchen

    Reply
  • 6. Lee H.  |  March 16, 2008 at 10:21 pm

    My good thoughts are with you, Julia.

    Reply
  • 7. Nancy Ashley  |  March 20, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    I’m still hopeful that your prayers will be answered~ Keep the faith…

    Reply
  • 8. jawa137  |  March 25, 2008 at 7:26 pm

    Thinking of you constantly, Julia, and hoping you are as well as possible.

    Reply
  • 9. Margie  |  April 2, 2008 at 9:31 am

    Julia, I wish I had words to help. Sending good thoughts, prayers, and hugs to you.

    Reply
  • 10. Sooka  |  April 2, 2008 at 9:01 pm

    Dear 지혜씨.
    안녕하세요! My name is Sooka.
    I’m Korean Japanese living in Japan.
    I heard some stories about you from Jooyeol who is a friend of mine… =)…
    Jooyeol is one of my honorable friends… He told me you are very beautiful girl in many many ways…
    I hope to meet you someday….=)
    Please get well soon, Julia-shi!
    Sooka

    Reply
  • 11. LH  |  April 5, 2008 at 12:52 pm

    I think of you often. Sending good thoughts your way…

    Reply
  • 12. Chong Chon-Smith  |  June 30, 2008 at 3:54 am

    One Love, Ji-Hye ssi.

    You have inspired me. I never knew you, but your spirit has touched me in this virtual world, that is more real than concrete and steel. Your writing haunts me, scars me, and then releases me. Heartbreak and loneliness are gone now. Rest, rest, Ji-Hye ssi and may you finally find Peace. In Mother’s Milk, bountiful, a plenty, infinity.

    Reply

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Julia’s Jam

It’s just not that black & white. Not because I am taking a stand against. Just because, the issues I face are somewhere in the grey area and to weed through them, I blog. I blog. ~

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