Looking East

February 18, 2008 at 7:15 pm 4 comments

Today I closed my eyes, but I didn’t sleep. I pushed our clocks back and I revisited myself. My healthy body, my warm heart, and my full soul. The missing pieces were back, snug in their place… where we started, where we belonged together.

I closed my eyes and I was sitting at our kitchen table on Sunday morning. Abah’s face in the newspaper. Emah with her coffee cupped in her hands, her knee bounces up and down slightly as if she is still hushing her baby – always a mother. The melon in the white bowl. The bagels in the basket, the lox and onions and capers on the glass plate. I pushed back our clocks and I was a daughter again, I was a child, looked after and loved.

My eyes stayed closed and my mind shifts to a lover I let go. I pushed back our clocks, too. Your embrace would save me, heal me, and your concern like a Lord over His follower. A religious finding you are to me, a homeland revisited, and a kind voice at the other end.

But clocks never stop, unless they die or they lie. Clocks keep ticking and so did my mind. Where was I when I lost these precious people? I was enveloped in my own pain, so physical and so real. I was consumed by abnormal cells and toxic juices being forced into my heart. I was enveloped, I was consumed, I was strangled by a reality that blinds me from what was really happening. From what really mattered.

My eyes fly open as I choke on my vomit, which drips down my chest. My hands grasping the hospital bed bars, knuckles white, and a nurse rushes in. Reality is a bitch, grief is a bear, and me… I am a visitor to my past.

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Entry filed under: ALL.

Yael Naim Something remains

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Nancy Ashley  |  February 21, 2008 at 9:25 am

    Hi Julia,

    I check in on you every once in a while to see how you’re doing, but think of you much more often. Much of what you’ve written has had an influence on my perspective on adoption. Much of what you’ve written has truly broken my heart, and has taught me valuable lessons at the same time.

    I too am going through cancer treatments, and while I in no way to presume tot know what you are going through, many of your comments have rung true to my experiences.

    I am holding you in my prayers and wish you Peace~

    Reply
  • 2. Brit  |  February 21, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    Julia Ji-Hye dear
    was thinking about you today.. drop by your blog and read this and wish I could do something for you
    loving prayers
    Brit

    Reply
  • 3. Rebecca  |  February 25, 2008 at 1:05 pm

    Your writing is so incredibly powerful and poignant. I am always left wishing to read more, to know more. Mostly, I wish you strength and well-being.

    Reply
  • 4. Mee Hee Park  |  February 26, 2008 at 11:23 am

    what a powerful piece…your writing is amazing…

    Reply

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Julia’s Jam

It’s just not that black & white. Not because I am taking a stand against. Just because, the issues I face are somewhere in the grey area and to weed through them, I blog. I blog. ~

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