Archive for February, 2008

Looking East

Today I closed my eyes, but I didn’t sleep. I pushed our clocks back and I revisited myself. My healthy body, my warm heart, and my full soul. The missing pieces were back, snug in their place… where we started, where we belonged together.

I closed my eyes and I was sitting at our kitchen table on Sunday morning. Abah’s face in the newspaper. Emah with her coffee cupped in her hands, her knee bounces up and down slightly as if she is still hushing her baby – always a mother. The melon in the white bowl. The bagels in the basket, the lox and onions and capers on the glass plate. I pushed back our clocks and I was a daughter again, I was a child, looked after and loved.

My eyes stayed closed and my mind shifts to a lover I let go. I pushed back our clocks, too. Your embrace would save me, heal me, and your concern like a Lord over His follower. A religious finding you are to me, a homeland revisited, and a kind voice at the other end.

But clocks never stop, unless they die or they lie. Clocks keep ticking and so did my mind. Where was I when I lost these precious people? I was enveloped in my own pain, so physical and so real. I was consumed by abnormal cells and toxic juices being forced into my heart. I was enveloped, I was consumed, I was strangled by a reality that blinds me from what was really happening. From what really mattered.

My eyes fly open as I choke on my vomit, which drips down my chest. My hands grasping the hospital bed bars, knuckles white, and a nurse rushes in. Reality is a bitch, grief is a bear, and me… I am a visitor to my past.

February 18, 2008 at 7:15 pm 4 comments

Yael Naim

Israeli, Yael Naim, is the voice behind the new MacBook ad with one of my favorite songs. Hooray Yael!

February 18, 2008 at 6:27 pm 2 comments

Adoption Fluff

There was a post recently on a mostly Adoptive Parent e-group. A prospective adoptive mother posted a link to a web site that is written by a Korean adoptee. This PAP (prospective adoptive parent) described the web site as “refreshing” and “beautiful” and the author as “intelligent” and “well adjusted.” I eagerly followed the link …

It starts off with a small flashshow of a white baby and puppies and baby foot prints in blue, butterflies in pink, swirly clouds and other such happy fluff …. and the words “There is no greater gift than the gift of a child.” Then you enter the web site which is a Q&A of sorts of Miss Well-Adjusted’s life. At first… I thought it was meant to be funny. (Mostly because of the image of the white baby — why was the baby white? When the web site is about her life?) But actually, I was wrong.

As I read through I was somewhat disturbed. I began to feel bad for her…. as she describes how she never felt comfortable being Asian and always felt more white. She describes herself as a “Banana” (yellow on the outside and white on the inside). Each question is answered with a somewhat odd disclaimer of “I love my parents and my parents love me…” as if she must fear that this is not assumed and that what she is about to say (about visiting Korea, about searching for her birth mother, about her own family plans…) would somehow be an attack on her adoptive parents. That she must seperate herself from other KADs and feeling what we all feel and being who we are (a different race than our parents) for fear that it might somehow negate the love she has for her family. Reading between her lines… I wonder what she feels or fears so intensly that she feels the need to make this statement over and over again. And then in describing her feelings as a 9 year old on a homeland tour — about how disgusted she was by the smells of Korea and how “most often the only toilets we could find were simply holes in the ground that required you to squat over them and flush when you were through.  I will never forget the overwhelmingly powerful stench of urine, which taught me a very important lesson about holding my breath.” It’s as if describing her unattachment and disgust with Korea would prove her gratefulness in being American. Sad. There are a bunch of other examples I could give, but I really do not have the author’s permission to be posting half her web site here. 😉 But that was not the disturbing part…

The disturbing part is why the PAP on the e-group described her in the manner in which she did. I mean, does she know this woman in person? How does she know she is well-adjusted? And who is she to make that judgement? Is that this PAP’s goal for her own child? That she forget that she is Asian, feel uncomfortable around children of the same race as she is, feel the need to qualify her love to her adoptive parents to strangers, feel alien and disgust in her country of birth? I sure hope not. That should not being any parents’ goal for their children.

February 17, 2008 at 10:26 pm 2 comments

Julia’s Jam

It’s just not that black & white. Not because I am taking a stand against. Just because, the issues I face are somewhere in the grey area and to weed through them, I blog. I blog. ~

Glimpse of Julia

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