I’d like to unsubscribe, please.

December 29, 2007 at 2:38 pm 4 comments

The hardest part of cancer has been the tremendous internal contradiction between what and how I feel emotionally and what others expect me to feel. It’s taboo and no one really wants to know about what spins through my head, nevertheless hear me vocalize it. They’ll send in the social worker and even a shrink or two, but they will just sit and listen and take notes and offer a support group full of people I can’t understand. People who talk about “milestones” and “being changed forever, for the better.” If that doesn’t help, some small pills here and there. They’ll shrug it off, sweep it under the rug, and tell me it’s normal “considering.” So I have learned “cancer patient etiquette.” Ya know, the fake smile and the “oh I am feeling better today than yesterday” and how to appear “grateful.” It’s a very lonely process. Probably the most lonely I have ever felt… and I’m a KAD so I know lonely. Physically I have a lot of supporters and more so that are not physically around… no one wants to hear what I want to talk about and I don’t blame them one bit.

There is this voice. It’s mine. It wants to scream out in retched despair. “What’s this for??” she screams. “And what’s so bad about giving up, anyway?”

Who are you to say “be brave” and “hang in there” and “it will get better.” Who are you, but another clueless one? And no offense really. I mean no offense. But when can I decide, for me?

“That’s okay,” you may say, “I understand. This is natural.” Shrug, shrug… under the rug.

Give me back my body. With all her parts too. I’d like to unsubscribe, please. Unsubscribe me, because I am moving. And I’d like to plan that move, so that it goes just so, if anyone wants to hear. I have a few boxes to pack up and I’m worried about my cat. Let me snap a few pictures first, shake a few hands, and send off a few apologies too. Tie up some loose ends and go over my check list. Is there still time for a short vacation?

It’s only normal…. considering.  Shrug, shrug… under the rug.

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Entry filed under: ALL.

So this is Christmas… 새해 복 많이 받아라!!

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Margie  |  January 12, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    I wish you could unsubscribe, too. Sending a hug, as I have no words.

    Reply
  • 2. becca  |  January 19, 2008 at 10:47 pm

    Julia,
    You are an amazing writer. Your life and mine intersect in both adoption and cancer. I totally get the cancer patient etiquette. issue….few people are strong enough to put words to that phenomonon. Would love to know how to email you.

    Reply
  • 3. CL  |  January 21, 2008 at 11:21 pm

    I’ve had two types of cancer. I highly recommend Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person: A Memoir in Comics by Miriam Engelberg. Just the title makes me laugh.
    I would like to talk with you about your writing. Please contact me.

    Reply
  • 4. Margie  |  May 15, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    You know, the thing about circling back is that you look objectively at what you wrote. I sure hope you knew I meant I wish you could unsubscribe from cancer!

    Reply

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Julia’s Jam

It’s just not that black & white. Not because I am taking a stand against. Just because, the issues I face are somewhere in the grey area and to weed through them, I blog. I blog. ~

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