May 29, 1983

May 29, 2007 at 4:09 pm 5 comments

Dear Mother in Korea,

It’s been awhile. 24 years, since I have seen you. Are you thinking what I am thinking today? As I feverishly wreck my brain to remember what we experienced for only a few moments. Does it feel like yesterday for you? Or can you hardly keep track? I have heard that it is possible, to remember things experienced as an infant, but I can’t decipher between fantasy and memories.

I wanted to search for you, until I found the letter you wrote to the director. It’s still in my file. It’s scary for me to realize that you might feel like you made the wrong decision. Maybe you think that my life was a result of some mistake that you made. I hope this is not the case. Because when I started that search, I really just wanted to find you in order to say thank you. To say that I felt you were pretty brave and to hear from your own mouth that you still think about me and wish me the best.

I hope you don’t misunderstand. It’s not that I feel that I am better off without you. It’s not that my life was/is so perfect. It’s not even that I was loved unconditionally by my parents and that they were your perfect replacement. Those are not things that are under our, or anyone else’s control. All of my pain aside, I still hope that you feel some sort of contentedness with your decision that you made. I do.

Last year, I received a picture of you and I. It was taken shortly after I was born. You held me and you looked at me – two things I was not so sure of before that picture arrived. And you – you were so beautiful then. So many people say that we look exactly alike. It’s hard to believe someone else out there looks like me.

So, thank you. Although I have not found you in my search, I feel as if I found what I was looking for. Not the medical information that I was hoping for. Not your loving embrace. Just the power to leave it up to you, one more time.

Truly yours,

Ji-Hye

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Entry filed under: Adoption.

JPA Day It was a nice ending.

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. John  |  May 29, 2007 at 6:15 pm

    지혜,

    생일 축하해~

    always thinking of you.

    Reply
  • 2. JR  |  May 29, 2007 at 6:28 pm

    Happy birthday, Julia.

    Reply
  • 3. Yoli  |  July 2, 2007 at 4:20 pm

    Juliam she thinks of you everyday, of that, never have a doubt.

    Reply
  • 4. Margie  |  July 13, 2007 at 12:50 pm

    I know she thinks of you, Julia. Absolutely.

    Sending a (((hug))) to you.

    Reply
  • 5. unfliteredme  |  August 15, 2007 at 7:43 pm

    My mother gave her first born up for adoption. She is Korean and his father was a black soldier–like mine. She gave birth to him when she was 19 and put him up for adoption when he was 4 years old.

    When I was around 9 years old, she told me about him. I remember watching a talk show with her once. It was a show about birth mothers finding their children. A 1800 number flashed on the screen and she told me to write it down.

    Sometimes, I wonder if my brother is searching for my mother. He was brought to the United States. He could even be 100 miles from me now. I wonder about him. I wonder if he knows how many nights my mother cried. I wonder if he knows that she loves him.

    I tried to search for him a few years back. I don’t know where else to start. I wonder if he even knows he’s adopted or if he had a good life.

    I’m confident that your mother still thinks about you.

    Take care…

    UM

    Reply

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Julia’s Jam

It’s just not that black & white. Not because I am taking a stand against. Just because, the issues I face are somewhere in the grey area and to weed through them, I blog. I blog. ~

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