Adopted, Again.

November 19, 2006 at 12:48 am 8 comments

I’m told that my first word was “mine.” My second word was “beebee.” My mother calls me “baby crazy.” She said that when I was just about 12 months old I would sit in the cart at the store and point out all the other babies (some older than I was) and scream out, “beebee!!”with such delight. I loved my baby dolls as a very young child – treating them like real babies… being sure to entrust a proper baby-sitter to them when I was not allowed to take them with me. In Kindergarten, I made a “Book About Me” and after the line “When I grow up I want to be…” I wrote, “A Mommy.” I wanted to be a mother so badly that my mother would call me “Mamala” (Yiddish for “little Mommy”) from the age of about 11 months until this day.

Last year, a friend of mine gave birth to her first child. The process of watching her through her pregnancy and then entering motherhood got me thinking a bit more realistically about what this experience is all about. I became frightened at the idea that becoming a mother would be walking in the shoes of my own birth mother… as all I know of her was that she was once a pregnant woman and then she birthed me. It ends there and that is all she is to me. The idea of having someone in my life who is my biological relative as well is scary. What will I tell him/her about who he/she is? I know nothing about what it is to be genetically me. I only know how to be alone, genetically speaking.

So, when I started to feel sick from the chemo, in the early stages of this cancer battle…. I started to think about what was happening to my body and how this would affect and effect me later in life. I secretly wondered, “would I become infertile from these treatments?” I was afraid to ask my doctor this question, because I was not sure yet if that would be a blessing or a curse. I just pushed the idea away and as things got harder day by day, my life became more of a focus on survival rather than reproduction.

After the bone marrowtransplant (BMT) in a somewhat silly conversation, my boyfriend made a comment on the fly to me about how I was now a genetic mix of three different people. The simple comment got me thinking about how I might have changed, genetically, from the transplant. I wondered, again, [disclaimer: at this period of time I was taking lots of meds and I was not thinking very clear] how this might effect any offspring of mine. The wonder became worry and the worry became obsession. I decided to ask my doctor.

One thing I have learned: When a medical professional says, “_________ does not always cause _________” what they are really saying is, ” _________ will probably cause ________.” So, when my doctor said, “well…. chemo does not always cause infertility.” I heard, “you will never be able to know another biological relative.” That is when I knew this was a curse and not a blessing.

Maybe it’s because when you know you cannot have something that is when you want it the most. But, I feel adopted again. I feel robbed again. I feel like the victim again. And I just cannot wrap my head around why me? Is it not enough that I lost all of my genetic connections in 1984? Don’t I deserve another chance to know someone related to me? Don’t I deserve it more than anyone else?

Entry filed under: Adoption.

I was misled… Things they say…

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sue  |  November 19, 2006 at 12:16 pm

    Yeah, you do deserve to own your choices and you never deserved having them stolen from you, by adoption or by chemo. It feels so lame to say this, but I will because it’s all I got: I am so sorry. 😦

  • 2. Mindy  |  November 19, 2006 at 1:21 pm

    I want so much to say something meaningful and helpful to you, but I’ve got nothing.

    Thank you for your contributions about IA both here and on IAT.

  • 3. Margie  |  November 19, 2006 at 11:41 pm

    No words, just hugs. I don’t know if it helps knowing that others are thinking of you, but you’re often in my thoughts. Be good to yourself, as I can only imagine how hard things are for you now.

  • 4. Margaret  |  November 21, 2006 at 7:48 pm

    I remember that feeling too….of being more focused on just preserving your life and not on reproduction.

    And, I do think you deserve your fertility more than the rest of us…..especially because it’s so meaningful to you.

  • 5. Kahlan  |  November 21, 2006 at 9:40 pm

    Yes, you do deserve it. I’m so sorry and lots of hugs. 😦

  • 6. fobby bobby  |  November 22, 2006 at 4:01 am

    an extended lease on life is what it is. think of gains instead of losses.

  • 7. daughterof2women  |  November 24, 2006 at 12:11 am

    Glad to see you blogging again. I hope you are feeling better. I am sorry that this is such a hard time. I know you are grieving the potential loss of fertility. It was so important to me to have a child that was genetically connected to me, so I understand your fear. The truth is that you don’t know whether or not you will be able to have biological children. Maybe talk to some fertility specialists and find out how real your chances are. At least then you will know whether or not you have something to grieve. I am so sorry. This must be such a hard and scary time for you. Thinking about you.

  • 8. papa2hapa  |  November 24, 2006 at 11:15 am

    During this season of Thanksgiving, I am thankful to have a voice like yours to read.

    You deserve everything the world has to offer.


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Julia’s Jam

It’s just not that black & white. Not because I am taking a stand against. Just because, the issues I face are somewhere in the grey area and to weed through them, I blog. I blog. ~

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