May 10, 2006 at 10:03 am 2 comments

My mom tells me that when I was little, around the time I started sleeping in a "big girl bed" from a crib, I would wake up crying in the middle of the night (not often). When she came in to comfort me I would say to her "I want my mommy." She would respond with, "I'm here, my love, I'm here." And I would say, uncomforted by her, "I want my mommy." My mom says that it always confused her and she often wondered if I was having bad dreams about being abandoned by my first mother.

I don't remember those nights. However, when I reach my breaking point (either from pain, or illness, or stress, etc.) I have this huge urge inside me to say, "I want my mommy." Sometimes I do say it.

Honestly, I am not convinced that I am wishing to be with my first mother when I have this desire for "my mommy." I am just in need to be in a source of comfort. Back home. (Home to where? I don't know?!) But, home with my parents (adoptive) doesn't cut it in these moments either. Maybe it is a primal wound desire?

It goes without me needing to say that my mother (adoptive) brings me huge comfort. Recently, I spent the weekend in the hospital with pnuemonia. I requested my mother and she came. She crawled into the bed with me… and I felt comforted by her. I felt safe – at age 22. Not safe in the sense that it draws me back to that "little girl" stage. I was glad she came.

I have this tremendous love for my adoptive mother and a true and honest connection to her. I have a need for her in my life, a need to please her, and to receive from her in return this same love and acceptance (which she gives without hesitation).

Mother's day is usually about saying "Thank You" to your mom – but coming from an adoptee, "Thank You" is often misunderstood. I have been told by people who do not view my family with the same respect as they would a biological family, that I am "lucky" and should be "thankful." Being adopted is NOT a reason, in itself, to be thankful that you are parented. Just like my sister did not ask to be born, I did not ask to be adopted. It was just simply our fate in our lives. And if I am lucky (which I am), I am lucky for the same reasons as my sister is.

My mother has never asked for a thank you. It's not her style. And I'd like to think that it makes her just as uncomfortable as it makes me. And she considers herself lucky (although sometimes, I think she is blinded by love) and I consider myself lucky – but just not for the reasons you may think, just by looking at us.


Entry filed under: Adoption.

Cinco de Mayo Don’t count my candles…

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sue G  |  May 10, 2006 at 5:40 pm

    My daughter wakes up very needy sometimes. It’s one of the reasons I can’t let go of co-sleeping (which was SO not in when you were a baby but it’s making a come back.) My mother disapproves, puts on her church lady face whenever the subject comes up, which is not often, but I remember what it felt like to want her close and not have that comfort. I loved her, she loved me but she was not a snuggler.

    I love it when my daughter says thank you for a gift, or a meal, or a sweet, but I don’t ever ever want her to thank me for adopting her. It was a totally selfish act.

    I hope you are on the mend. And wish for you a happy daughter’s day on Sunday.

  • 2. Andrea (from IAT)  |  July 18, 2006 at 3:39 am

    After my first ectopic pregnancy, I kept having the thought “I want my Mommy!” And it really mystified me for awhile, because I knew it was NOT my regular mommy that I wanted–she really was not that supportive. (I think she really wanted to be, but she was completely clueless. During this time she asked me where (in our house) we would put a baby, and wonder of wonders I had the snappy comment when I needed it and said “I was thinking of starting with my uterus.” But even after that she brought the question up 2 more times, sheesh!). So I kept telling myself “Self, you do not either want your mommy, as she is completely unhelpful right now, so think of someone better to wish for.” Still it kept coming: “I want my Mommy!” Finally I figured it out. Okay, this will probably sound corny, and maybe even blasphemous, but for me I figured out it was the Mother Goddess that I wanted. The mother of us all. And so I curled myself up in Her lap and let Her hold and comfort me. And darn if it wasn’t really something I needed. Not the only thing, of course. Tangible and online friends were absolutely necessary, but the Goddess was right up there.

    Not at all suggesting this is what is going on for you. Not actually sure it was what was going on for me originally, rather than something I made up. But I just thought it was interesting to see someone else wanting the comfort of a sort of existential mommy.


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It’s just not that black & white. Not because I am taking a stand against. Just because, the issues I face are somewhere in the grey area and to weed through them, I blog. I blog. ~

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