Something remains

Tears can’t be pushed back and pain can’t be tucked away. I thought it would fade away slowly, if I just had patience. And yes, I could wait forever… because relief would feel so sweet. Day by day I chant to myself, trying to convince my soul with my most persuasive abilities, that this pain cant last forever. Hang on, Julia. Hold out. A little longer.

Waiting won’t help. I have learned to be so patient. Relief stands in my view, it’s smug face directed towards me, just out of reach. Like an owner teases his puppy with the bone so desired. And I reach a little more, and a little more each time…. forever hopeful that maybe I will luck out .

I can never rely on my luck. (Neither, apparently, can I a mother.)

So I brace for something more severe. I’d rather take another bone biopsy. I’d rather install another central line, another j-tube, another intubation, anything and all of it together at once… but there is no substitution, no bargaining, no deals to be made.

Just me and my old friend, heartbreak. Yes, heartbreak, remains. And at least, in loneliness’ shadow, at least something remains. Here with me.